Melspeth, The Other Blog

I realize that it may all be part of the grieving/getting over/working through process, but the series of little slaps in the face is beginning to have a cumulative effect.  I genuinely want them to be happy, but the little slaps make it difficult to voice that in a frank manner.  I have worked so hard to remain positive regarding them in this very public forum, not given voice to my disappointment, my disillusionment, my issues with their personality flaws and foibles, my years of feeling neglected and taken for granted and ignored.  I still refuse to delve into those things and many other negative matters.  I find that I am internalizing a lot of the process rather than taking a lower path.  I refuse to hurt others with my pain if I can avoid it.  I've done enough of that for a lifetime.

It's time to talk to a friend about this.

Truth.

I've been avoiding it.

And now Truth has come back to bite me on the ass in a big way.

It is a painful process to go through, but although I am experiencing pain and regret and fear and I have grievously hurt someone I care for, I am also feeling an enormous weight lifting off me.  I am beginning to feel the freedom that comes with speaking your Truth.

Once I have told those that must know, I will be able to say more.  Please be patient and try to understand.  Please try not to judge.  Please just allow that I am human and prone to screwing up on a massive scale and allow me the opportunity to earn your forgiveness and regain your trust.

Please.

I discovered this little ditty that pretty much sums up how I'm feeling about my relationship with Jim at this point...

I Feel Bad - Rascal Flatts

I should be out in that driveway stoppin’ you
Tears should be rollin’ down my cheek
And I don’t know why
I’m not fallin’ apart like I usually do
And how the thought of losin’ you’s not killin’ me

Chorus

I feel bad
That I can stand here strong, cold as stone
Seems so wrong, I can’t explain it
Maybe it’s just I’ve cried so much
I’m tired and I’m numb, baby I hate it
I feel bad
That I don’t feel bad



I could let myself be angry over wasted time
And sad about just throwin’ love away
Yeah, I almost wish my heart was breaking
But I can’t lie
All I want to do is turn the page

(Repeat Chorus)

Bitter, alone
I just feel it’s time – it’s time to move on
I just gotta move on and on and on and on – yeah

Maybe it’s just I’ve cried so much
I’m tired and I’m numb, oh baby I hate it
I feel bad
That I don’t feel bad
No, I don’t feel bad

...I don't feel bad...I feel relieved. Does that make me a horrible person?