Melspeth, The Other Blog

Most people like to feel comfortable. There are comfort foods, comfortable sweaters, comfortable shoes, etc. Please fill in your comfortable answers to these questions about things that make you feel good and are comfortable, just like that horrid, ratty robe you always wear.

1. What are two foods you might indulge in after a stressful day?
a. Chocolate
b. Soup

2. Which two beverages do you find soothing and delicious?
a. Chai
b. Hot Chocolate

3. What two books do you re-read every once in awhile?
a. Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day
b. Where The Wild Things Are

4. What two movies can you watch over and over without getting bored of them?
a. The Lord of the Rings trilogy (which, honestly, was meant to be one really REALLY long story)
b. The Princess Bride

5. What are your most comfortable articles of clothing?
a. My burgundy silk T tunic
b. My Lions Gate "uniform" fuzzy pullover - all three of them

6. Name two songs that give you comfort, or two songs that you never get tired of.
a. Say Goodnight, Not Goodbye - Beth Neilsen Chapman
b. Your Smiling Face - James Taylor

7. Lastly, what do you like to do to unwind after a hard day?
a. Eat chocolate
b. Something creative, like stitching or painting or playing my flute

I realize that it may all be part of the grieving/getting over/working through process, but the series of little slaps in the face is beginning to have a cumulative effect.  I genuinely want them to be happy, but the little slaps make it difficult to voice that in a frank manner.  I have worked so hard to remain positive regarding them in this very public forum, not given voice to my disappointment, my disillusionment, my issues with their personality flaws and foibles, my years of feeling neglected and taken for granted and ignored.  I still refuse to delve into those things and many other negative matters.  I find that I am internalizing a lot of the process rather than taking a lower path.  I refuse to hurt others with my pain if I can avoid it.  I've done enough of that for a lifetime.

It's time to talk to a friend about this.

I am enjoying the brief moments of peace that I find in the evenings, once the kids are asleep.  Jake is  visiting a buddy, Marion and Rodney have already gone to bed, James is out with friends and my children are laying on the bed behind me, sleeping peacefully.  I am savouring it.

As much as I love being with my children, I am also really enjoying having some time away as well.  It affords Jim the chance to spend time with them as the primary caregiver and gives me some time to develop my relationship with Jake.  We actually went out on a date last week - that was so nice. 

I'm looking forward to the future - one day at a time.

I have made the conscious choice to not parade my spouse's failings and shortcomings in a public forum.  I feel that they will come to light in their own time and way and that pettiness should not be rewarded with more pettiness.  I am aware that things can be said in anger and bitterness and that we may all come to regret putting those things out in a public venue.  I do not regret anything that I have written here.

I have made the conscious choice to refrain from further discourse on the dissolution of my marital relationship here.  If you really care to know, you will know how to find me and ask me yourself.  And I will do my utmost to provide you with whatever information it is appropriate that you possess.

I have made the conscious choice to not point accusing fingers at what caused this or that or the other.  I am very much a fatalist - things happen when they do for a reason...and if I am here in this moment, surrounded by these people, with the possibilities that I have before me, I am meant to be here and I am worthy of what is to come.

I have made the conscious choice to redefine who I consider family.  I am discovering that family is not only delineated by bloodlines or marriage - it is also by love, caring, mutual respect and getting through the difficulties life throws at you together.  That said, my current "family" may not change at all...I am merely taking a good long look at each person on their own merits and re-evaluating where they stand in my life, if at all.  It is a sad task, but a necessary one on this journey.

I have made the conscious choice to not allow another person to make me feel shame or fear or pain unless I deem it necessary.

I have made the conscious choice to fill my heart with love for those who are worthy of it and pity for those who are not.  There is no room in my heart for anger, hatred or spite.  Life is too short to waste even one moment trying to make others feel less than they are - all that succeeds in doing is filling your heart and mind with a poison that will linger to the end of your days.

I wish you all a heart full of peace and an end to bitterness.

Truth.

I've been avoiding it.

And now Truth has come back to bite me on the ass in a big way.

It is a painful process to go through, but although I am experiencing pain and regret and fear and I have grievously hurt someone I care for, I am also feeling an enormous weight lifting off me.  I am beginning to feel the freedom that comes with speaking your Truth.

Once I have told those that must know, I will be able to say more.  Please be patient and try to understand.  Please try not to judge.  Please just allow that I am human and prone to screwing up on a massive scale and allow me the opportunity to earn your forgiveness and regain your trust.

Please.

I discovered this little ditty that pretty much sums up how I'm feeling about my relationship with Jim at this point...

I Feel Bad - Rascal Flatts

I should be out in that driveway stoppin’ you
Tears should be rollin’ down my cheek
And I don’t know why
I’m not fallin’ apart like I usually do
And how the thought of losin’ you’s not killin’ me

Chorus

I feel bad
That I can stand here strong, cold as stone
Seems so wrong, I can’t explain it
Maybe it’s just I’ve cried so much
I’m tired and I’m numb, baby I hate it
I feel bad
That I don’t feel bad



I could let myself be angry over wasted time
And sad about just throwin’ love away
Yeah, I almost wish my heart was breaking
But I can’t lie
All I want to do is turn the page

(Repeat Chorus)

Bitter, alone
I just feel it’s time – it’s time to move on
I just gotta move on and on and on and on – yeah

Maybe it’s just I’ve cried so much
I’m tired and I’m numb, oh baby I hate it
I feel bad
That I don’t feel bad
No, I don’t feel bad

...I don't feel bad...I feel relieved. Does that make me a horrible person?